I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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