I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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