I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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