I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
