I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
