2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
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And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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