I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
