My nipple is on Facebook.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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