both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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