Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
