I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
