You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
