Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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