All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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