she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize
