We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
