Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
