Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
