The best revenge is premature balding
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
