Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
