she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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