I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
