you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
