I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
