The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
