I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
