I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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