Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
