Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
