You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Never joke about your clitoris.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
