i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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