see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
