She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
