Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
