2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
bring money and cleavage
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Randomize
