she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
