after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
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I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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