It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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