I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
