i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
