I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
