Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
