i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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