it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
