I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
