1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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