I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
