I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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