grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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