Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
