i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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