have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
