Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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