the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
