weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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